Well, I felt much better about my choices this time so I won't be whining about that. Here are my faves. As of this moment, at the top of this post, I am not sure who wins the week. Actually, now that I'm writing the Spider-Man part, it seems like there might be some ties.
Not surprisingly, my favorite part of this strip is the last panel, suddenly occupied by a mystery invisible flying guy. As the focus of the strip, there just is not a better punchline than JPX's here:
Panel 1
Villain: “At last, the sacred medallion is mine! It has been said that he who possesses the medallion will enjoy great power!”
Spider-Man: “Oh no, that numbskull Jameson held me up and now it’s too late.
” Panel 2:
Spider-Man: “No one knows what will happen when medallion is removed from the prince’s body”
Panel 3: Prince: “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
However, while JPX sets it up with some boilerplate comic-strip talk, Johnny Sweatpants manages to stick a joke in every line:
Panel 1
“Yes! This magic necklace will look great with the navy blue shirt I stole from J. Crew earlier today!” “He’s right! I know the shirt he’s referring to!”
Panel 2
“This bald guy is pretty cool! I’m glad I chose to follow him around for the past couple of days!”
Panel 3
“Personally I think a crisp aqua button down would be a better match but what the hell do I know? I’m just an apparition!”
I'm honestly not sure which one to pick there. So let's continue...
Honestly I think Family Circus invokes such a sheer level of hatred we could probably include one every week, although perhaps the strange primal aura of anti-humor that surrounds the work of Bil Keane would eventually turn even our hatred to a bland, dead thing. That said, while the above strip certainly isn't funny, in an indirect way it's probably the pithiest thing to ever be printed under one of those damn circles. Note the thematic similarity to Johnny's entry (I'm printing them all here).
Catfreek
Mom: "He died for YOUR sins Dolly,YOURS! Now how do you feel about that?"
Dolly: "Hungry, what's for dinner?"
Tony
Mom: "Dolly have you been watching the Exorcist again? The crucifix smells kinda fishy."
Johnny Sweatpants
"Mommy, isn't it odd that a religion should adopt an instrument of torture and execution as its sacred symbol?"
Sweaty Johnpants
"Mommy, your ring finger is touching Jesus's balls!"
Me
"Nice try Mommy! You gotta have faith for that to work on me!"
JPX
"Mother, for the last time, I'm not a vampire!"
We can debate the true identity of Sweaty all we want; it doesn't matter because I'm giving this one to Tony. I think the key to captioning Family Circus is to smear as much mud on those little tykes as humanly possible, and implying that Dolly was fucking herself with a crucifix is clearly the winner here. Damn.
I was once a huge fan of Foxtrot but my enthusiasm waned in the face of the Garfield-level shamlessness that allows for the level of re-using, re-re-using, and re-re-re-re-re-all-the-way-home-using of the jokes seen in that strip. But resident geek Jason is always cool, and his nerdy interests are the only thing that keeps the strip visually fresh.
JPX wins this one, once again with the smack contained in his very last line.
Panel 1 “Behold, fair lady, I shall rescue you from the clutches of the evil troll!”
“I don’t need your help”
Panel 2
“Oh?”
“Frankly I find your assumption that I’m some sort of helpless female to be offensive. Typical male chauvinist pig!”
Panel 3: “Dude, when did this stuff become so PC?”
“I don’t know, but she’s not going to be happy when she learns that I just destroyed a village to impress her.”
This time I was again stuck for a favorite, and it's the same two doofuses that gummed up my Spider-Man decision:
Johnny Sweatpants:
"Yeah whatever, bitch. Alligators have existed for 200 million years. How's your species doing? Newsflash: you, your children and your family's next 10 generations are going to die. One day Homo sapiens will go extinct and my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson will be there to mock you, perhaps at this very location."
JPX:
"What do you mean you thought I was a Gorn? What the hell is a Gorn? Do you want me to be a Gorn? I can do that, I can do that!
Johnny really nails it with "perhaps at this very location," adding just the right amount of nonsense to a species-based rant. Ultimately on this one he's edged out by JPX, who, while making a damn good Star Trek joke, paints a hilarious sketch of a guy pinioned between confusion and desperation. "What the hell is a Gorn?" Holy shit, I'm laughing right now.
Ah, Dick Tracy. I'm convinced there are some good yucks to be had here, and this strip was certainly more engaging than my last one, but both entries force me to think of Dick Tracy's ass. I give it to Cat for the choice she made on the very last word:
Panel 1
"My stomach is killing me. I'll just sqeeze out a little squeaker to relieve the pressure. There, I hope no one noticed."
Panel 2
"OMG! I think my fart essence stunned Professor Weinblister!"
Panel 3
"So you say the Professor was fine one minute then suddenly went off the rails? Interesting...do you smell something nutty?"
AC obviously wins the impromptu Cathy Caption Contest, as she was the only one to push that envelope.
Looking at the image I am force to wonder what is going on off-panel. Fortunately, we'll never know.
I thunk a bit over this decision because, despite JPX's impressive numbers this week, he's the one I gave it to the only other time I hosted the contest. But the next obvioius choice is Johnny, who just gave me a win last week. This is the kind of problem you run into with a contest entered by only five people (and where are the rest of you, hmm?).
Anyway, it's JPX again. For the Gorn and the village burning and the Weeeee! Honorable mention to his little brother, for the alligator sass and ridiculous deadpan joy of the following:
Spiderman: “He’s right! I know the shirt he’s referring to!” and “This bald guy is pretty cool! I’m glad I chose to follow him around for the past couple of days!” and "but what the hell do I know? I’m just an apparition!”
Good work, people! Happy Fourth!
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